Tuesday, November 14, 2006

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me

I'm a person of few words. I often fail to allow others to see what I honestly feel. I even tend to let others have the wrong impression of what I try to convey. I hate to express myself. It is not because I don't want to, it's because I don't have the ability to. Maybe that's why I can't see eye to eye to people who are extremely headforth and direct, and why I find myself in awkward situations with these people. Sorry Daryl and sorry, Saheli.

It weighed on my heart and the whole time I felt apprehensive. I dared not talk about it, as if the slightest mention would cause the Earth to shake. I dared not think about it, as if one thought would cause my being to shrivel up. When we finally talked about it, I knew you were uneasy. I felt guilty for making you tell me. In that moment, I just wanted to throw a hug over you just to tell you that "everything is going to be fine". But I just sat there, looked into my bowl of noodles and squirmed in my seat.

The twenty of us sat in the classroom and awaited our turn to receive our verdicts. I felt at a lost when I saw people I hold dearly panicking, anxious and crying. The only thing I did was sit by my seat. What others didn't know was that my heart was interrogating myself for not offering a shoulder, for not giving my friends a pat on their backs, for not flashing a smile to a palpitating heart and for not embracing them. The only thing I did was sit by my seat, and wipe my teary eyes.

I stepped into a chilly councillors' room, with a couple of our schools' student leaders seated around a table having lunch. They were commenting on the large percentage of retainees in their council and mentioning familiar names. I did not know what to say or what to do. I just sat by the table, stared into the hamsters' cage and wishfully hoped that the hamsters could have understood how I've been feeling throughout the whole day once I stroked it. All it lacks is a touch, to teach it how to feel, how to react and how to understand. Maybe all it has to do is just sit there and listen. Just listen. Maybe. I've never felt so helpless before ):

You have left and taken away the biggest part of me

12:05 AM